We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
