I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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