and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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