i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My vagina is officially offended.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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