I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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