My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize