Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
