DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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