literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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