She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
