i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
