remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
