A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
