This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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