I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
