her vagine was all disorganized.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
