Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
