I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
