he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
