Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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