i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
