So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
