One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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