so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
