"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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