I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
