What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
