even my farts smell like vagina
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
