I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
