He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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