In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
