Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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