I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I will be naked everywhere
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
