Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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