he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
