if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
