Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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