don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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