sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
