Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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