Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
