Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
