Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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