I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize