I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
