Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
