If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
