I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
