You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
