im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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