Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
