I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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