Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
