I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
