i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
