My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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