For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
