My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
