Swine flu. Run for my life!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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