that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
